The Wayward Butt-Bullet (Part 7)

English: Pedestal squat toilet

English: Pedestal squat toilet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The surprise was that the little bugger didn’t want to come out! I don’t think my arms are disproportionately short for my body, but when I was trying to reach my ass to get at the pesky thing, I felt particularly challenged. I must have twisted my body into a thousand different acrobatic and yogic postures before I had to admit the futility of these exercises.

That’s when I nearly panicked. I could still feel the electronic buzz going on in my rectum. Did it now feel higher up than before?! Surely not. I calmed myself with the thought that this was nothing that gravity could not solve. It was only a matter of time, right?

I ran to the bathroom and spread a towel on the floor and got into a doggie-style position over it, waiting expectantly…NOTHING.

OMG, visions of calling 911 and being carted off to the emergency room filled my head. I broke out into a cold sweat. How would I explain this to the medical attendants? Could I die from having an electronic device stuck up my butt? Could it keep traveling up and up the miles of my large intestine, then small intestine, and finally up through my esophagus and gag me coming out of my throat?! Could I go into shock just from the fearful thoughts in my mind? I could explain this to my sister who would probably sympathize with me, but if I ended up in the hospital being cut open, HOW WOULD I EXPLAIN THIS TO MY MOTHER?!

I felt tears stinging my eyes as I became more certain than ever that the cursed bullet had somehow inched its way even further upward instead of downward. I assumed a squatting position over the towel, gathering up all my strength and focusing on the muscles I’d had to use to push out those children by natural childbirth. (Isn’t it weird how you use the muscles used in pooping to push a baby down the vaginal canal?) I isolated the proper muscles and bore down with all my might. But the persistent blue bullet didn’t give a *^(#. Instead, the stool that those muscles had called upon came making their way down and around the vibrator. How on earth could this happen?!

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2 thoughts on “The Wayward Butt-Bullet (Part 7)

  1. I just wanted to let you know that it amuses me no end that this post pinged back to my microbiology blog post about probiotics and the large intestine. I’m afraid that I was more concerned about things coming in from the upper end, however there is nice clinical evidence (http://wp.me/s19txa-robopoop) on administering probiotic supplements during colonoscopy.

    • I’m so pleased that you’re amused, which is the ONLY reason for this blog. I make no pretense toward official research, investigation, or education. I’m guessing that’s your job. Nice post, by the way. Don’t let this be your last visit to mine!

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