FART-ners for Life? (part 2)

no fart sign

no fart sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And like I used to tell my kids, if you absolutely positively must wake me, the house better be on fire or someone better be dead or dying. As far as I’m concerned, sleep is a very sacred time. It’s restorative. It’s recuperative. I believe in allowing my body all the sleep it needs and I am offending by things and people who can’t understand and work around that. I never even use an alarm clock, because I hate being rudely awakened.

Now that you understand me on that issue, perhaps you can understand how outraged I was, when just as I was settling down into that second sleep I was startled awake by a rude involuntary FART!

Okay people, this is the absolute worst of bodily offenses. Unforgiveable. And especially because he never even knew that it happened. This is how it went:

We must have gotten that first doze over, where we were facing each other, all possible limbs intertwined the way people do after really good sex when you’re first getting to know each other. Then, still being in that half-asleep, half-awake mode where you are just aware enough to wipe the spit off your cheek, you turn your pillow over and reposition your body in a more comfortable way. This is the state at which we had arrived and then we settled down again. This time he turned over to face the opposite direction and I flipped over onto my belly. Still, we both kept our bodies glued one to the other, because remember, we hadn’t gotten to that stage that comes later in a relationship, where one partner inevitably sleeps on the sofa, or gets up after sex to go watch TV. If I’d known what was about to happen, though, I would have gladly sent him to another room. Whichever is furthest from my bedroom.

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