All of a sudden I am more rudely awakened than I have ever been in my life by the sound of a chance fart that spurted out against my thigh. WHAT?! Are you serious? I was as shocked and disoriented as if I had just been shot in the leg with a gun by an enemy.
I gasped in outrage and fear. But would you believe this man never even flinched. He was neither awakened by the random fart that had released itself from his apparently now-relaxed butt, nor by my startled reaction. Even the foul smell slowly pervading our smelling atmosphere and offending my olfactory sensibilities didn’t manage to rouse him! Oh, please. THIS was absolutely unacceptable behavior.
Up until this moment, he had been a perfectly marriageable candidate. Well, not anymore! And who can blame me for that? He had just proven that he was sooo not the man for me. Number one, he himself had placed my life in danger. How? By subjecting me to hazardous fumes that could have asphyxiated me in my sleep.
Number two, his after-sex slumber was entirely too deep for my comfort. I mean, good grief! I’m glad he can relax and all but honestly. What if I had been shot by a real gun and not just a fart? I could have bled to death and he would still have been unaware until entirely too late.
Number three, his loss off bodily control so early in life made me kind of afraid of the implications for later in life. Let’s face it, today you’re farting in your sleep; tomorrow perhaps other things could be escaping from your body in your sleep. I’m just not ready for that.
- Keeping the Romance Alive: It’s Not Ok to Fart in Front of your Lover (datingdisastersanddelights.com)
- The Definitive List of Fart Euphemisms (holytaco.com)
- The Art Of The Fart And Depart (thoughtcatalog.com)
- The F**t Word and Other Gross Stuff (writenotereviews.wordpress.com)
- What to do when Life’s a Gas (ask.metafilter.com)