Butt-Ugly (or “Why Internet Dating is NOT for Me”) part 5

Jason has the best luck with online dating

Jason has the best luck with online dating (Photo credit: texburgher)

You are wrong if you think that I could forget about his ugliness just because of the incredible sensations slowly spreading through my body. Even though he had strategically waited til nearly dusk to arrive, I had still seen enough of his hideous face to scar my memory forever. So I let him lap me up while I felt really climactic and sick at the same time.

He waited until he thought I was satisfied before picking me up and taking me to my bedroom.

Well, okay he didn’t literally pick me up. We all know that I’m no lightweight. Still, he was very much stronger than I. Have you ever wondered why unattractive people sometimes have superhuman strength? I have. It may be that they have to have some trait that compensates for their total lack in the beauty area. I’m not an anthropology major or anything, but I think my hypothesis has merit. But I digress.

The thing is that he really did have my feet sort of lifted off the floor every couple of steps. I was resisting every way I could, kicking and screaming and telling him that I didn’t want to do this, arms and legs flailing in every direction.

Get this: this old man acted like he had gone completely deaf! He was talking softly as he threw me on the bed and pounced on me, saying how beautiful, how precious, how angelic I was. It was totally crazy because for a split second he actually had me under the impression that, hey I think I really DO want to do this after all. But now when I think about it, I’m certain, and I staunchly maintain that—in  spite of the wetness between my legs and the second impending orgasm (once he had me pinned into either a human bowtie or pretzel)—I sooo did not want to have sex with anyone that painfully unattractive.

When he had totally and happily spent himself to the sound of my continuous protests, even to the last thrust, he crashed on me and I disgustedly pushed him off and told him to get out of my house. My face was all bruised and full of tears and my lip might have been busted.

No, no, no he never hit me or anything like that. It was me: I kept slapping my face and punching myself and calling myself an idiot while he was doing it to me and making my body react like I didn’t want it to.

So, dear friends let us review. What have you learned from this lesson? If you don’t remember I will repeat the warning one more time: Never, ever under any circumstances agree to a date with someone who does not post a profile pic online! If you do, you may very well end up involuntarily orgasming with someone butt-ugly, just like I did. Trust me, this is one trauma you don’t want to live out.


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