A Word to the Wise about Hair Extensions and Sex (part 2)

Woman with classic length hair. (Painting by F...

Woman with classic length hair. (Painting by Franz Xavier Winterhalter, 1805-1873) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friend, Cheryl told me that this friend of hers (WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS) lost some of her extensions while in the act of coitus. Hah! Frankly, I don’t understand how Cheryl can even really BE a friend to someone who obviously doesn’t care that much for me…but anyway, this is not about Cheryl, it’s about her “friend.”

Long story short (or should I say, long hair suddenly short!) she was doing the nasty with this guy she’d seen at a club and whom she’d managed to somehow impress. Too bad it was her fake 22-inch Indian Remi hair that caught his eye. It was both the beginning and the end of their one night stand.

According to Cheryl, her friend kept trying to guide his hands elsewhere when he kept attempting to get his hands in her hair during passionate kisses. Instead of foreplay it was more like a game of swat the pesky fly as she kept batting his hands away.

Finally, they began actual sex, much to her relief. She felt that she had successfully diverted his attention away from her hair on to other, more important things. Even though he protested, she reached for the lamp and gratefully cut off the light. While she was on her back, she felt relatively safe.

When she was on top, she felt in control; but she still had to sometimes keep swatting his hands away.

Once he got her from the back, all hope was gone. While doing it to her doggie-style, he smashed her face down into the pillows in front of her and grabbed her wrists behind her back. Her happy pleasure at this cool trick of turning doggie-style into pony-style lasted only a minute. Faster than the blink of an eye, he had both her tiny wrists in one of his huge fists and had decided to use her hair as the reigns, I guess. Because with his other hand he grabbed a fist full of hair and started yanking in rhythm with his thrusts.

As many guys have been known to do, he mistook her yelps of pain and screams of protest and bucking and thrusting as positive signs of pleasure. He was thrilled that she was as excited and close to climax as he was. And just as most guys think, he thought that the best thing would be to keep doing everything he was doing, only harder and faster.

Folks, you can see where this is going. There’s no need to prolong the announcement of the inevitable: Yes, he came. He exploded into her and was completely oblivious to the fact that the “reigns” had become particularly loose in some places and had come completely unattached at other places on his “pony.”

So, what have we learned here? Easy: You can lead an ugly pony to the bedroom, but you can’t be certain til afterward that he won’t go bald during sex. (adapted from an older version of the adage about leading a horse to water, but changed to make it more appropriate for this post.)

English: Miniature pony for kids to ride at th...

English: Miniature pony for kids to ride at the Feria del Caballo in Texcoco, Mexico State, Mexico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A Word to the Wise about Hair Extensions and Sex (part 1)

Found Wig On Pole

Found Wig On Pole (Photo credit: Is This Yours?)

I don’t usually do this (spread hearsay)…but this incident supposedly happened to someone who I don’t like very much doesn’t like me very much. So there. I’m not going to feel too badly about telling you something that can only benefit you:

People, there was a time when wigs, weaves and hairpieces were only for the elite and the movie stars. Well that day has long gone. I personally don’t use any such thing, but that’s only because I have lived long enough to be able to fully celebrate the wild beauty of the crop of hair on my head. But I don’t go around hating on people who want/need to add-a-tad. Hey, do what you love.

HOWEVER, if you are going to get a weave, please make sure it is sewn in and not glued. If you are going to get extensions as braids, for God’s sake, let the Africans do it for you, though in some places I’ve heard they charge nearly $200. And if you are going to wear a wig, fine! But PLEASE do not attempt sex with it on, lest your fate be like a girl I saw in an “el cheapo” porn flick once. Ok, I admit that I actually saw it twice, but ONLY because I couldn’t believe my eyes the first time the wig started sliding and then came falling completely off her head like the cascade of a waterfall! You have to see something like that twice.

So you’re asking yourself, why the heck didn’t they cut that out of the film?! HELLO, PEOPLE. I just told you it was an EL CHEAPO. So the “actors” tried to pretend not to be horrified and did their best to improvise around this ugly blooper. The dudes who were gang-banging her were like oh wow, this is soooo much more of a turn-on now that we are doing this totally bald chick. Thoroughly unconvincing.

If you think you’re going to be able to reach an orgasm after seeing guys do it with person who has obviously undergone chemo, THINK AGAIN. After seeing something like that two (or three) times I was just so grossed out that I felt tired and defeated.

Okay, so the point is that if you’re going to put extra hair on your head it should definitely be secured. PROFESSIONALLY secured. Want to know what can happen if you don’t? Good, keep reading.