A Word to the Wise about Hair Extensions and Sex (part 2)

Woman with classic length hair. (Painting by F...

Woman with classic length hair. (Painting by Franz Xavier Winterhalter, 1805-1873) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friend, Cheryl told me that this friend of hers (WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS) lost some of her extensions while in the act of coitus. Hah! Frankly, I don’t understand how Cheryl can even really BE a friend to someone who obviously doesn’t care that much for me…but anyway, this is not about Cheryl, it’s about her “friend.”

Long story short (or should I say, long hair suddenly short!) she was doing the nasty with this guy she’d seen at a club and whom she’d managed to somehow impress. Too bad it was her fake 22-inch Indian Remi hair that caught his eye. It was both the beginning and the end of their one night stand.

According to Cheryl, her friend kept trying to guide his hands elsewhere when he kept attempting to get his hands in her hair during passionate kisses. Instead of foreplay it was more like a game of swat the pesky fly as she kept batting his hands away.

Finally, they began actual sex, much to her relief. She felt that she had successfully diverted his attention away from her hair on to other, more important things. Even though he protested, she reached for the lamp and gratefully cut off the light. While she was on her back, she felt relatively safe.

When she was on top, she felt in control; but she still had to sometimes keep swatting his hands away.

Once he got her from the back, all hope was gone. While doing it to her doggie-style, he smashed her face down into the pillows in front of her and grabbed her wrists behind her back. Her happy pleasure at this cool trick of turning doggie-style into pony-style lasted only a minute. Faster than the blink of an eye, he had both her tiny wrists in one of his huge fists and had decided to use her hair as the reigns, I guess. Because with his other hand he grabbed a fist full of hair and started yanking in rhythm with his thrusts.

As many guys have been known to do, he mistook her yelps of pain and screams of protest and bucking and thrusting as positive signs of pleasure. He was thrilled that she was as excited and close to climax as he was. And just as most guys think, he thought that the best thing would be to keep doing everything he was doing, only harder and faster.

Folks, you can see where this is going. There’s no need to prolong the announcement of the inevitable: Yes, he came. He exploded into her and was completely oblivious to the fact that the “reigns” had become particularly loose in some places and had come completely unattached at other places on his “pony.”

So, what have we learned here? Easy: You can lead an ugly pony to the bedroom, but you can’t be certain til afterward that he won’t go bald during sex. (adapted from an older version of the adage about leading a horse to water, but changed to make it more appropriate for this post.)

English: Miniature pony for kids to ride at th...

English: Miniature pony for kids to ride at the Feria del Caballo in Texcoco, Mexico State, Mexico (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Butt-Ugly (or “Why Internet Dating is NOT for Me”) part 5

Jason has the best luck with online dating

Jason has the best luck with online dating (Photo credit: texburgher)

You are wrong if you think that I could forget about his ugliness just because of the incredible sensations slowly spreading through my body. Even though he had strategically waited til nearly dusk to arrive, I had still seen enough of his hideous face to scar my memory forever. So I let him lap me up while I felt really climactic and sick at the same time.

He waited until he thought I was satisfied before picking me up and taking me to my bedroom.

Well, okay he didn’t literally pick me up. We all know that I’m no lightweight. Still, he was very much stronger than I. Have you ever wondered why unattractive people sometimes have superhuman strength? I have. It may be that they have to have some trait that compensates for their total lack in the beauty area. I’m not an anthropology major or anything, but I think my hypothesis has merit. But I digress.

The thing is that he really did have my feet sort of lifted off the floor every couple of steps. I was resisting every way I could, kicking and screaming and telling him that I didn’t want to do this, arms and legs flailing in every direction.

Get this: this old man acted like he had gone completely deaf! He was talking softly as he threw me on the bed and pounced on me, saying how beautiful, how precious, how angelic I was. It was totally crazy because for a split second he actually had me under the impression that, hey I think I really DO want to do this after all. But now when I think about it, I’m certain, and I staunchly maintain that—in  spite of the wetness between my legs and the second impending orgasm (once he had me pinned into either a human bowtie or pretzel)—I sooo did not want to have sex with anyone that painfully unattractive.

When he had totally and happily spent himself to the sound of my continuous protests, even to the last thrust, he crashed on me and I disgustedly pushed him off and told him to get out of my house. My face was all bruised and full of tears and my lip might have been busted.

No, no, no he never hit me or anything like that. It was me: I kept slapping my face and punching myself and calling myself an idiot while he was doing it to me and making my body react like I didn’t want it to.

So, dear friends let us review. What have you learned from this lesson? If you don’t remember I will repeat the warning one more time: Never, ever under any circumstances agree to a date with someone who does not post a profile pic online! If you do, you may very well end up involuntarily orgasming with someone butt-ugly, just like I did. Trust me, this is one trauma you don’t want to live out.