He Couldn’t Contain his Excitement (part 1)

English: Cropped version of a photo taken from...

English: Cropped version of a photo taken from http://www.flickr.com of a woman wearing a blue bra. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever made a guy ejaculate without touching him? I mean just by looking at you? If you have, then welcome to the prestigious circle with me. I didn’t even know I possessed such power, but apparently I do. Or at least that’s how it seemed…

A few years ago I met this guy, Haven, almost completely by accident because I needed a new tire and the shop where I usually go didn’t have what I needed. And now I ask you, “Why do I always only want the ONE guy that I cannot have?” Why am I doomed to never meet this guy first, before he is already obligated? I’m not exactly proud of what I did, and I would really be an emotional wreck if I didn’t have such a sturdy and resistant conscious. But since I do then I’m frequently able to keep things in perspective when other women start that insipid self-loathing and self-deprecation.

I mean, no one can say I literally seduced the man. He is a grown man after all, accustomed to operating in a man’s world—which is more than I can confidently say for a couple of my sexual partners (or victims, based on whose viewpoint you ascribe to). He accepted my invitation to lunch with his own motives even if it was only ostensibly to allow me to properly thank him for pulling some strings to get his friend to pass my car through the inspection this year, if you know what I mean.

However I am mature enough to admit that meeting him at the door with a see-through black tank-top that didn’t even pretend to cover the fuchsia lace push-up bra that lifted, separated and left bare almost half of my breast would have put him into the strange predicament of having to either pretend that he had suddenly gone legally blind, or that he simply was not truly a member of the male sex.

And really I don’t hold it against him for his premature ejaculation. Under normal circumstances that would have been downright unforgiveable. But when I think about it, there was not a lot going on in his favor at that moment when he arrived at my house:

Just in case the sight of my upper body wasn’t enough for him, I’d also donned low-rise body-hugging, highly stressed jeans that strategically allowed the tip of the satin and lace fuchsia panties to show. The sparkling, dangling earrings that were a perfect color match to my should-be-hidden undergarments, the nearly 30 pounds gone from my body since I’d first met Haven 6 months ago, the knowledge that he was alone with a beautiful, discreet woman who is head-over heels for him in spite of the fact that he’s happily living with someone…well, I suppose all those things working together would be enough to bring any man to his senses about what inevitably must be done in this moment…



Banana Split (or “Why I ran away Lickety Split!”) part 1

Banana, split to 3

Banana, split to 3 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There was this Puerto Rican guy I met who went by the name of Archangel. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: why would you waste time on a dude who is vain enough or delusional enough to refer to himself that way? Believe me, I ask myself this very question all the time.

The thing is that it wasn’t his real name; it was his handle on a certain internet dating site. Don’t go lecturing me! I will never under any circumstances fall into the trap of those singles’ dating web sites again, but this occurred before I had learned my lesson the hard way.

I was at home bored stiff because the guy who I was supposed to be seeing hadn’t called for his usual Friday Night Hook-up. I would show him. I knew how to go looking for my own fun. I was only online for a few minutes before I was completely upset for even bothering to log on to my unused account. In the very moment I was about to log out, I get kiss or wink or something from a brand new guy. “Why not?” I thought. And that was the beginning of sorrows.

One of his first comments was a very graphic one about what he’d like to do to me. No, I don’t remember word for word what he said, but it definitely involved chocolate and cream. I was as shocked as if I’d been blasted with a stun-gun and I felt very peculiar between my legs. Yeah, just like that.

You know me. I don’t generally fall for guys that come on that strong with the first thing that comes out of their mouth. But what he wrote was so explicitly disgusting and unimaginable, that my uterus started contracting even as my brain and other sensibilities stood aghast. Archangel was the first guy ever to leave me utterly speechless. In spite of everything inside me telling me to stop communication with this freak immediately, I found myself glued to my laptop screen.

Why I DESERVED the Next Online Dating Nightmare (part 3)

obtaining profile pics for online dating sites

obtaining profile pics for online dating sites (Photo credit: torbakhopper)

Here’s a twist you probably were not expecting: He didn’t seem any happier with me than I was with him! Like, WTF?

This has never—I repeat, NEVER—happened to me before. I was stunned speechless.

We gave each other the most perfunctory sort of little embrace I’ve ever participated in and then maintained a safe enough distance from each other during our entrance into the building to assure anyone looking that we were NOTHING but friends.

I ordered a salad, something I could pick through quickly due to my loss of appetite, both literal and sexual. I don’t remember what he got. Conversation was dull and rushed and I remember trying my best NOT to be seen by anyone I knew. It wasn’t that he was a hideous monster or anything. It’s just that he looked so NOT like the sexy photo he’d taken…or maybe he DID look like that dark, blurry photo.

I could hardly concentrate on my own dissatisfaction with him, though because his unhappiness with me was almost palpable. How could this happen?

I certainly had not lied about my height or weight. Unless you count checking the box for “average” instead of “short.” And unless you count putting “could stand to lose a few” instead of “fat.” I personally don’t think that’s such a big deal when you consider my truly sparkling personality, my wit, and the true beauty of my soul, right? Besides, no other man had ever seemed so downright peeved with me. What was this guy’s problem?

Needless to say we were both eager for ANY reason to cut the evening short and he could hardly mention the fact that he had to work the next day before I was already standing up to leave. I drove home in a frustrated rage with myself on two counts. Number one for being so freaking gullible as to imagine that you can really assess how a person looks from just one dark photo. And number two, for actually wanting this guy to STOP disliking me.

Don’t get me wrong. I NEVER wanted to see him again, period. I just hated the feeling of sitting at a dinner and not being appreciated and wanted! In spite of myself I’d tried to be winsome and charming. All to no avail. What kind of beast was he? None of my “stroke-the-male-ego” tricks worked either. There was just absolutely no chemistry between us and no hope. And no desire for any hope.

So again, one can never post too many photos in their profile pic when indulging in online dating. Not only do I wish I’d demanded that he post more; to my own chagrin I admit that I wish I’d posted more too. Maybe we would never have bothered to meet at all!


Why I DESERVED the Next Online Dating Nightmare… (part 2)

An example of one of True's online ads.

An example of one of True’s online ads. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well friends, you most likely have a lot more experience in the internet dating arena than I did back then. So it goes without saying that you are also very much aware of Lesson #2: Require MORE than one picture in your potential date’s profile.

An addendum to this requirement is that the candidate’s pictures should ALL be recent, meaning taken within the last calendar year. All of the shots should be in BRIGHT lighting, just like mug shot downtown. And at least ONE of those photos should be taken at a profile angle.

Is this really necessary, you ask. I realize that you probably think that this is going a bit overboard and the requirements are pretty stringent. Suit yourself if you don’t want to follow my advice, but don’t say you weren’t warned. If you have a tendency to be lenient with people you are sooner or later about to end up in the predicament in which I found myself with Fred when we finally agreed to meet at the IHOP.

A very dark sort of dude pulled up just as I was pulling into the parking lot and I remember thinking, Oh Dear Lord, please don’t let this be him. My stomach hurt very badly from self-reproach and guilt. The thing was that I had sped away from Bible Study that night pretty early, hoping to make a connection serious enough to warrant sleeping together and I could already see before he got out of the car that my plan was going to fall through. If that was God intervening for me I really wish He’d done something BEFORE I met this guy face to face!

Very apprehensively I got out of my car. I would have simply driven away but I knew he’d already spotted me too. I just couldn’t be that indecent…although now I wish I had. You will not BELIEVE what happened next.



Why I DESERVED the Next Online Dating Nightmare…(part 1)

Englund as Freddy Krueger

Englund as Freddy Krueger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ANOTHER internet dating nightmare, you ask? YES.

So you hadn’t learned your lesson after the butt-ugly guy?! NO. Or to my credit, I did actually learn Lesson 1: Say no to people who do not provide a profile pic.

I was still very much a newbie and incredibly horny…I mean once I got over the fright I was telling you about with the guy so ugly that he was more monster than human. I had had picked myself up, dusted myself off and decided to get back up on that horse and try again. Shame on me.

Remember when I was telling you that I usually go around feeling that I DESERVE all the sexual bloopers and blunders that happen to me? Well, this is one of those instances that probably prove me right! I would never have had the Halloween fright I got if I had resisted the feelings of invincibility and stopped congratulating myself for being so capable of getting whatever I want.

It is my own fault that I walked into a trap with a dude as ugly as Freddy Krueger. I so loved the picture he had posted on the singles’ site. He had dark features, bushy brows and deep set eyes whose glare was so intense that it seemed he could see me right through the computer. He looked just dangerous enough to make your adrenaline rush and give you Goosebumps of anticipation about finding yourself in his presence.  Ummmmm, one wondered what on earth he might have been thinking about when he took such a shot of himself. It was a close up shot, you know, one of those arm’s length things everyone does with their cell phone when they have no one around interested in taking pictures of them. The only problem was the lighting. He seemed to be in the bathroom so it was odd that it was so dim.

Oh, well, whatever. Enough could be ascertained about his appearance from this one shot. Right?


Butt-Ugly (or “Why Internet Dating is NOT for Me”) part 3

Online Dating Workshop

Online Dating Workshop (Photo credit: jay mann)

Because he was just so incredibly sweet I put up with him and I believed his daily lies about soliciting his children to help him out so he could get a picture onto the site. I believed him a week later when he said he wasn’t going to bother to put up a photo all now that we were an official couple and he had no desire to search for anyone. Why should he keep looking when he was convinced that I was the woman he’d been searching for all his life.

Don’t go criticizing my gullibility. After having been married for a couple of decades–and therefore OUTSIDE the dating arena– how was I supposed to know the tactics that men use?! I never would have imagined what easy prey I was to someone so suave like Robert. I eventually became a savvy internet dater, but that was after quite a few more unfortunate occurrences.

I’m a retired veteran now; retired from e-dating. But man, oh man I could give bus-loads of advice to young women who might otherwise be taken in by the underhanded, double-tongued, reverse-psychology using guys like Roberto. Can you believe he tricked me into thinking that he was going to be as knock-out handsome as his voice was mellow and smooth? How did he do it, you ask.

Easy. He used the old false modesty trick that was really not false modesty, but the plain truth. IMAGINE that. You would have fallen for it too, if a guy spent a significant amount of time winning your heart and soul and telling you everything you ever wanted to hear and sending you gifts by mail. You’ve been spending weeks now fending him off, saying it’s too soon to meet. And now he has you just where he wants you.

He is the one flips the script and becomes the procrastinator, the one making up excuses not to meet quite yet. You ask him why and he says, “I’m just worried.” And your heart skips a beat as you imagine the absolute worst: he is actually married and has just been playing you the whole time.

But no, it turns out that he’s afraid that he’s not good-looking enough to be with someone as perfect as you. OMG, your heart flies out sympathetically to meet him. You grow even in your own esteem of your noble self as you promise him that his looks are the least of your concerns and that you would never break things off with a man as wonderful as he is. BIG mistake. Now you are completely trapped by your own generosity.


Butt-Ugly (or “Why Internet Dating is NOT for Me) part 2

Dangers Of Online Dating

Dangers Of Online Dating (Photo credit: Don Hankins)

I did what all novices do on those internet hook-up sites: I uploaded my very best picture and filled my profile with all the things that I thought make me a really cool and loveable person. HUGE mistake. If you don’t know, take this advice from me when it comes to photos and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (As you can see, the greatest commandment or the golden rule applies universally.) That is to say, please put up lots of photos. Make them from different angles. And for goodness sake, don’t use photos that are more than a year old if you have undergone some type of major change like a gastric bypass or a debilitating sickness.

If you follow my advice you should also be able to expect that what you sow, you will also reap and you will thereby avoid some of the major disappointments that happened to me. I’m going to tell you about a guy a met through a major singles dating site and the really terrible thing that happened when I finally met him in person. But before I do, let me also take a moment to give you one more internet dating tip:

Ladies, no matter how enlightened, evolved, Aquarius, or renaissance a guy pretends to be, the primary thing he cares about if he is surfing singles’ sights is your face and your body. So do not waste your time writing a detailed profile about who you are on the inside. If you get the chance to meet him, you can try to convince him of your inner loveliness or your intelligence or your business savvy in person.

If you don’t believe me, do this experiment and get back to me: On the Singles’ Dating Website of your choice put up your profile with NO picture and write the most elaborate, convincing profile about the amazing, wonderful, multitalented person you are and see how many hits you get. Then post a profile with a picture ONLY, no words. And watch what happens.


Now, back to what I was telling you. Robert was a complete gentleman online. He was everything any lonely seeker could want. Attentive, courteous, and generous. By generous I mean that back then when I was really financially struggling I used to use a cell phone with minutes. Rob loved to talk to me on the phone and it was easy for my time to run out. Well, he didn’t like not being able to hear my voice, so he went and slapped down a hundred dollars on my cell number and that was before we’d ever even met face to face!

I complained to him that he knew what I looked like by my online photo, but I had no idea what he looked like. Again, it was my own fault for falling into this very clear trap. I believed his silly excuses about not knowing how to upload photos. (He isn’t a part of this generation who is born knowing how to use apps and widgets and plug-ins, mind you.)