Sperm in the Eye? Blindness may Result! (part 1)

English: Hand made penis&pussy candy craft at ...

English: Hand made penis&pussy candy craft at “Kanamara Festival” Place:Kanayama shrine(Kawasaki Japan) 日本語: 神奈川県川崎市の金山神社で行われる「かなまら祭」の飴細工の露店で作られた性器を象った飴細工 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Listen, I’m going break one of my own cardinal rules against doing the unthinkable (gossiping) and I’m going to tell you something that a friend of mine told me. NO, I do not have her permission to do so, but so what? I doubt she will ever read this blog and even if she does, I’ll just pretend that I was not referring to her and the horrible blunder she had.

Besides all that, I justify telling you this because it is for your own good! So read on:

I am telling you that if you lack experience, please do not dive headlong into giving hand jobs; it could be fatal… or at least seriously detrimental to the health. When I was like 13, I was seeing this guy who was 17 and of course my parents were really against it, just like all parents would probably be. That meant we had to sneak and do everything. We didn’t honestly get very far before he just got plum fed up with my innocence and total lack of experience.

He was a superb kisser though and a really kinky guy. He was the kind that liked to tell you what he was going to do before he did it, making even the most absurd proposals sound delightful. He might say, for instance, “I’m going to f+*^ every hole in your body, including your ears and then between your toes.” From a distance of over 2 decades this just sounds downright stupid; but to 13-year-old ears it sounds spookily desirable. Especially when one imagines herself to be in love.

Well, one evening we had plenty of time on our hands to take our little adventures quite a bit further than kissing. He kept drawing my hand down to something that felt like a brick in his pants and being somewhat familiar with the male anatomy because I was an attentive student in Health class I knew what it must be in spite of that fact that I’d never imagined that the word “erection” meant anything like what I was feeling through his jeans. He finally unzipped his pants to let the animal loose and I felt my dinner about to come up from my stomach. Of course that would not have been my CURRENT reaction. We’re talking about my first time seeing a naked penis when I was just a grown-up acting kid. He put my trembling hand around the base of it and being that I’d never felt anything so weird (feverishly hot skin that was still just loose enough to move over that massive engorged flesh that seemed to house a freaking BONE somewhere inside) I started crying.  He was so peeved that he snapped at me when I didn’t know I was actually supposed to be moving my hand up and down the length of it. “Good grief! Haven’t you ever jacked a guy off before??”

Okay, not only had I never done such a thing. I had never even heard the phrase, so I couldn’t possibly know what it entailed! I bet they don’t even make 13-year-olds like that anymore, eh?

So that was my first and only jack-off disaster; but that’s because I’m a quick study at anything I do. You, on the other hand may not be. And if you’re not then I suggest you leave this task to the experts because you could get really hurt. In my case, only my ego was a little bruised, but I know of a dear friend who had a near emergency room visit! Let me tell you how that went:

He Couldn’t Contain his Excitement (part 3)

8ELEVEN-silence

8ELEVEN-silence (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Frankly, my four-second silence was spent planning how much further I could let this go before I had to make my announcement about my period and everything.

I knew his thoughts would be about his live-in girlfriend and if this one-time event with me had the power to ruin everything he had worked so hard to build and maintain. I honored his silence.  For all I know he could have been offering up a helpless prayer of pre-repentance to the Universe for what he thought he was about to do.  Everyone is entitled to this moment. I would probably have been doing the same thing if I weren’t so focused on just how greedily and selfishly I wanted him any way I could have him. I blocked from my mind the thoughts about how I knew he was very satisfied with the woman in his life and that he had no more interest in falling in love with me that he had in, say, moving to Idaho to work on a potato farm.

I decided to play a nasty little game with him. (I’m good at that.)  “I know what you must be thinking about me, but I swear I only wanted to invite you to lunch or maybe coffee and dessert to pay you back for the big favor you did for me. It’s a really big deal to me that someone like you would even bother to visit me,” I sighed with that same innocent look.

He raised his eyebrows at that and I knew this would be easy.

I went ahead and took out his ego and began to stroke it expertly and aggressively. “As a matter of fact I was talking about you at work yesterday with a friend of mine. About the good man that you are: intelligent, responsible, hardworking…handsome.  And they way that I’ve had a huge crush on you since the first time I met you.”

“Oh, stop that,” he chided, pretending not to believe me.

And now I began to be shameless, jacking his ego off just as good as only he could have done for himself.  “My friend asked me would I, could I possibly have an affair with you. Nooo, I told her. I’d love to be with him…but I couldn’t; he’s too good. He is one of those wonderful men that you only find once in a life-time.  Honestly I admire him so much that I just couldn’t. That’s what I told her,” I concluded.

He considered that. Now I had him by the balls.

 

Banana Split (or “Why I ran away Lickety Split!”) part 1

Banana, split to 3

Banana, split to 3 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There was this Puerto Rican guy I met who went by the name of Archangel. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: why would you waste time on a dude who is vain enough or delusional enough to refer to himself that way? Believe me, I ask myself this very question all the time.

The thing is that it wasn’t his real name; it was his handle on a certain internet dating site. Don’t go lecturing me! I will never under any circumstances fall into the trap of those singles’ dating web sites again, but this occurred before I had learned my lesson the hard way.

I was at home bored stiff because the guy who I was supposed to be seeing hadn’t called for his usual Friday Night Hook-up. I would show him. I knew how to go looking for my own fun. I was only online for a few minutes before I was completely upset for even bothering to log on to my unused account. In the very moment I was about to log out, I get kiss or wink or something from a brand new guy. “Why not?” I thought. And that was the beginning of sorrows.

One of his first comments was a very graphic one about what he’d like to do to me. No, I don’t remember word for word what he said, but it definitely involved chocolate and cream. I was as shocked as if I’d been blasted with a stun-gun and I felt very peculiar between my legs. Yeah, just like that.

You know me. I don’t generally fall for guys that come on that strong with the first thing that comes out of their mouth. But what he wrote was so explicitly disgusting and unimaginable, that my uterus started contracting even as my brain and other sensibilities stood aghast. Archangel was the first guy ever to leave me utterly speechless. In spite of everything inside me telling me to stop communication with this freak immediately, I found myself glued to my laptop screen.

Why I DESERVED the Next Online Dating Nightmare… (part 2)

An example of one of True's online ads.

An example of one of True’s online ads. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well friends, you most likely have a lot more experience in the internet dating arena than I did back then. So it goes without saying that you are also very much aware of Lesson #2: Require MORE than one picture in your potential date’s profile.

An addendum to this requirement is that the candidate’s pictures should ALL be recent, meaning taken within the last calendar year. All of the shots should be in BRIGHT lighting, just like mug shot downtown. And at least ONE of those photos should be taken at a profile angle.

Is this really necessary, you ask. I realize that you probably think that this is going a bit overboard and the requirements are pretty stringent. Suit yourself if you don’t want to follow my advice, but don’t say you weren’t warned. If you have a tendency to be lenient with people you are sooner or later about to end up in the predicament in which I found myself with Fred when we finally agreed to meet at the IHOP.

A very dark sort of dude pulled up just as I was pulling into the parking lot and I remember thinking, Oh Dear Lord, please don’t let this be him. My stomach hurt very badly from self-reproach and guilt. The thing was that I had sped away from Bible Study that night pretty early, hoping to make a connection serious enough to warrant sleeping together and I could already see before he got out of the car that my plan was going to fall through. If that was God intervening for me I really wish He’d done something BEFORE I met this guy face to face!

Very apprehensively I got out of my car. I would have simply driven away but I knew he’d already spotted me too. I just couldn’t be that indecent…although now I wish I had. You will not BELIEVE what happened next.

 

Why I DESERVED the Next Online Dating Nightmare…(part 1)

Englund as Freddy Krueger

Englund as Freddy Krueger (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ANOTHER internet dating nightmare, you ask? YES.

So you hadn’t learned your lesson after the butt-ugly guy?! NO. Or to my credit, I did actually learn Lesson 1: Say no to people who do not provide a profile pic.

I was still very much a newbie and incredibly horny…I mean once I got over the fright I was telling you about with the guy so ugly that he was more monster than human. I had had picked myself up, dusted myself off and decided to get back up on that horse and try again. Shame on me.

Remember when I was telling you that I usually go around feeling that I DESERVE all the sexual bloopers and blunders that happen to me? Well, this is one of those instances that probably prove me right! I would never have had the Halloween fright I got if I had resisted the feelings of invincibility and stopped congratulating myself for being so capable of getting whatever I want.

It is my own fault that I walked into a trap with a dude as ugly as Freddy Krueger. I so loved the picture he had posted on the singles’ site. He had dark features, bushy brows and deep set eyes whose glare was so intense that it seemed he could see me right through the computer. He looked just dangerous enough to make your adrenaline rush and give you Goosebumps of anticipation about finding yourself in his presence.  Ummmmm, one wondered what on earth he might have been thinking about when he took such a shot of himself. It was a close up shot, you know, one of those arm’s length things everyone does with their cell phone when they have no one around interested in taking pictures of them. The only problem was the lighting. He seemed to be in the bathroom so it was odd that it was so dim.

Oh, well, whatever. Enough could be ascertained about his appearance from this one shot. Right?

Butt-Ugly (or “Why Internet Dating is NOT for Me”) part 3

Online Dating Workshop

Online Dating Workshop (Photo credit: jay mann)

Because he was just so incredibly sweet I put up with him and I believed his daily lies about soliciting his children to help him out so he could get a picture onto the site. I believed him a week later when he said he wasn’t going to bother to put up a photo all now that we were an official couple and he had no desire to search for anyone. Why should he keep looking when he was convinced that I was the woman he’d been searching for all his life.

Don’t go criticizing my gullibility. After having been married for a couple of decades–and therefore OUTSIDE the dating arena– how was I supposed to know the tactics that men use?! I never would have imagined what easy prey I was to someone so suave like Robert. I eventually became a savvy internet dater, but that was after quite a few more unfortunate occurrences.

I’m a retired veteran now; retired from e-dating. But man, oh man I could give bus-loads of advice to young women who might otherwise be taken in by the underhanded, double-tongued, reverse-psychology using guys like Roberto. Can you believe he tricked me into thinking that he was going to be as knock-out handsome as his voice was mellow and smooth? How did he do it, you ask.

Easy. He used the old false modesty trick that was really not false modesty, but the plain truth. IMAGINE that. You would have fallen for it too, if a guy spent a significant amount of time winning your heart and soul and telling you everything you ever wanted to hear and sending you gifts by mail. You’ve been spending weeks now fending him off, saying it’s too soon to meet. And now he has you just where he wants you.

He is the one flips the script and becomes the procrastinator, the one making up excuses not to meet quite yet. You ask him why and he says, “I’m just worried.” And your heart skips a beat as you imagine the absolute worst: he is actually married and has just been playing you the whole time.

But no, it turns out that he’s afraid that he’s not good-looking enough to be with someone as perfect as you. OMG, your heart flies out sympathetically to meet him. You grow even in your own esteem of your noble self as you promise him that his looks are the least of your concerns and that you would never break things off with a man as wonderful as he is. BIG mistake. Now you are completely trapped by your own generosity.

Butt-Ugly (or “Why Internet Dating is NOT for Me) part 2

Dangers Of Online Dating

Dangers Of Online Dating (Photo credit: Don Hankins)

I did what all novices do on those internet hook-up sites: I uploaded my very best picture and filled my profile with all the things that I thought make me a really cool and loveable person. HUGE mistake. If you don’t know, take this advice from me when it comes to photos and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (As you can see, the greatest commandment or the golden rule applies universally.) That is to say, please put up lots of photos. Make them from different angles. And for goodness sake, don’t use photos that are more than a year old if you have undergone some type of major change like a gastric bypass or a debilitating sickness.

If you follow my advice you should also be able to expect that what you sow, you will also reap and you will thereby avoid some of the major disappointments that happened to me. I’m going to tell you about a guy a met through a major singles dating site and the really terrible thing that happened when I finally met him in person. But before I do, let me also take a moment to give you one more internet dating tip:

Ladies, no matter how enlightened, evolved, Aquarius, or renaissance a guy pretends to be, the primary thing he cares about if he is surfing singles’ sights is your face and your body. So do not waste your time writing a detailed profile about who you are on the inside. If you get the chance to meet him, you can try to convince him of your inner loveliness or your intelligence or your business savvy in person.

If you don’t believe me, do this experiment and get back to me: On the Singles’ Dating Website of your choice put up your profile with NO picture and write the most elaborate, convincing profile about the amazing, wonderful, multitalented person you are and see how many hits you get. Then post a profile with a picture ONLY, no words. And watch what happens.

Exactly.

Now, back to what I was telling you. Robert was a complete gentleman online. He was everything any lonely seeker could want. Attentive, courteous, and generous. By generous I mean that back then when I was really financially struggling I used to use a cell phone with minutes. Rob loved to talk to me on the phone and it was easy for my time to run out. Well, he didn’t like not being able to hear my voice, so he went and slapped down a hundred dollars on my cell number and that was before we’d ever even met face to face!

I complained to him that he knew what I looked like by my online photo, but I had no idea what he looked like. Again, it was my own fault for falling into this very clear trap. I believed his silly excuses about not knowing how to upload photos. (He isn’t a part of this generation who is born knowing how to use apps and widgets and plug-ins, mind you.)