Sperm in the Eye? Blindness may result! (part 2)

Sign for "London Handjob Centre" car...

Sign for “London Handjob Centre” carwash company (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My friend who I was telling you about was very inexperienced. And the guy she was with was pretty forceful and insistent. Two other things were working against her. Number one, he kept pushing her head down closer to him—in my opinion because what he really wanted was a blow job. But she didn’t know how to do that either.  And number two, she’s a nurse with a genuine fascination with the human body, so she keep putting her face ever closer to his little rifle.

You can imagine what happened when this guy erupted. Gee whiz! He exploded right in her good eye. The left one. What would have been a totally wonderful moment for him was spoiled by her startled and then terrified screams. She was in both mental and physical agony as the burning started.  He—a total moron—sat there speechless with a now-limp and empty prick.

Well, as you can imagine, she thought she was going blind because this was a long time ago before she became a registered nurse and found out that sperm in the eye does not actually necessarily lead to blindness.

Still, I feel very sorry for her every time I think about what she must have suffered for those first few minutes as they argued about whether to go to the hospital: he didn’t have a valid license and she temporarily had only one valid eye, which wasn’t even the good one. Neither of them wanted to be responsible for the exorbitant costs of ambulances. (Have you called an ambulance lately?! OMG) Neither of them had insurance because he didn’t have a job–unless you counted the illegal drug transaction–s and she only worked part-time as an NA. Neither of them wanted to explain how she came to have a massive load of sperm in her left eye.

Okay, so she didn’t die and she didn’t go blind, but that is not the point. I just want everyone to know how seriously dangerous it can be to attempt the intricate art/science of jerking a guy off if you have no clue what you are doing. So BE CAREFUL. Absolutely no good came from her foray into this unknown terrain. Well, accept that she allowed her infatuation with the workings of the human physique to lead her to go back to school and become an official RN. But some people would say that the two things were not even related. Me, I know differently.

Again, you have been warned! And if I were you, and I was with a guy who wanted a hand job…well, I’d just tell him to go jack himself off!


Oh, Come Now! (No, really; I mean NOW!!) -part 5

Suggestive church

Suggestive church (Photo credit: kouk)

And in spite of everything, there was my body responding positively even while I swallowed back something like repulsion and hatred.  I swear there couldn’t have been more liquid if he had freaking peed inside me! Jeez, the pressure was like someone was vengefully squeezing a douche bag up me, super-hard for punishment or something.

I was electrified. I mean, REALLY, like his penis had become a rod conducting electricity and we were both being electrocuted. It was gross and insane. Who the hell comes like that?

It was something that I honestly never want to experience again…unless it could be filmed just to prove that I am sooo no lying and that it really did happen just like I’m saying. If you think I’m about to start criticizing the Church for its stance on pre-marital sex, think again. The only thing I’m saying though is that I wonder if the reason he couldn’t just let go and come was because it had been so freaking long since the last time he’d done it. I can’t help wondering too, if maybe a person like him would do well to masturbate on a regular basis and get used to ejaculating. Of course, the church he goes to teaches against that too…

By now, you will wonder why on earth I ever had sex with that same guy again. Well, it’s complicated. I mean he was a Christian, so I felt absolutely terrible about breaking things off with him just because he couldn’t orgasm in a timely way. I mean, what does that make me look like?

FART-ners for Life? (part 1)


Fart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No matter what your stance on premarital sex and in spite of all the pro-abstinence people and their campaigns I am a champion of not only having sex BEFORE marrying a particular candidate, but literally sleeping with them as well. Indeed, if it had not been for my commitment to this rule, I could very well have ended up with an involuntary farter for the rest of my life. That’s ‘til death do us part! And that, my friends is no laughing matter.

I have no complaints about the lovemaking with this dude named Perry. He was a rare jewel indeed. Ready, willing, and able to please on every level and in every room of the house; and selfish enough to insist on the occasional wham-bam-thank-you, ma’am that all women need in order to remain sexually fit and psychologically sound.

There was just this one problem that I never would have suspected. I mean, like WHO KNEW?

There we were, having crashed after the rather athletic sort of sexual work-out that was characteristic of our times together.  A thin layer of perspiration covered our bodies and we had serene smiles on our faces as we drifted off into that sacred silent space called the afterglow. I knew we were both satisfied with having satisfied each other and felt self-satisfied at our individual performances. Then we drifted right off into a light afternoon nap.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but if you see me asleep, for heaven’s sake PLEASE do not wake me!


The REAL Reason he liked Anal Sex (Part 7)

Anal Sex Diptych

Anal Sex Diptych (Photo credit: iurikothe)

Miraculously—and I don’t use that word lightly—he got it in to an extent that at least seemed to satisfy him; I on the other hand felt nearly nothing. The problem was that after perhaps 2 or 3 thrusts, the condom slid right off and remained in my ass! This night was definitely over.

All that time he’d been playing around with my butt-hole he had me thinking mine was especially pink and enticing or something. I mean, the moans of pleasure he was emitting and the compliments and begging he was doing to convince me to let him take me that way had led me to believe that anal sex for him was like being on cloud nine. And I was under the very naïve impression that my ass was the most beautiful one he had ever seen or something.

Well, both curiosity and vanity go the best of me. So, once I got rid of him I got in the mirror to see what I could see and believe me, my butthole doesn’t look like anything for anyone to die over. I confirmed by this objective viewing of my butt that all his acting had been a cover-up; and that the real reason he liked anal sex is because he knew he had no chance of getting that mini-penis into any vaginas.

Moral: They don’t make miniature condoms. If your penis isn’t big enough for the regular sized ones, please refrain from attempts at penetrating anything besides your clinched fist. Thank you.